mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
