My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
