She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
