wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
3 2 1 whiskey
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
