i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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