I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
