get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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