I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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