You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
