I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
