hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
