How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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