yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize