theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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