I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
