do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
