you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
