No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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