Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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