I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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