You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
