Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
