just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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