I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
