did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
