I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
