Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
