guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
