He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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