I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
