it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
