Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
