You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
