I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just saw a hot homeless man
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
