i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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