____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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