I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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