why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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