i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
