Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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