she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
