so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
