My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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