glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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