census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Two words: blizzard sex
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
