I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
