if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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