I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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