census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
