for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
