You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
