in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
