I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
