First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
