ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ttyl tear gas
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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