I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
