Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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