two words: eviction party
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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