Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
