i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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