Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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