your parents love me but you hate me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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