She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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